Beware! of the Fangirls!
by head4heart
Summary: This is what happens when my friends and I go and wreak havoc in the world of Final Fantasy. Vincent’s hiding three of us in his cloak, Cloud’s getting random calls on his mobile, Reno’s mysteriously disappeared, Tifa’s being stalked and a fellow ninja’s
1. Cloud's Phone

Chapter 1: Cloud's Phone

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But I do want to own it. And as of my birthday I will own a copy of the DVD. But alas, I shall never own it. wail_

Cloud stood on top of the Buster Sword Cliff. He didn't know who made up that name, but he didn't care. He just wanted to spend some time alone with his buster sword. Damn Zack for dying right here and damn whoever suggested he should plant the sword in the ground where he died. He had really wanted to keep that sword and now it was getting rusted in the dirt.

Cloud sighed and looked at the buster sword longingly. Suddenly his conscience took over and he lifted the sword out of the ground, giggled evilly and drove off on his motorcycle that appeared out of nowhere. While driving, he heard his phone ring in his pocket. He didn't stop. He would check his messages later. Right now, he was on his way to Shinra headquarters. He couldn't stand that annoying red-head any longer. He felt rather maniacal as he rode towards the headquarters, many swords in hand to give Reno a surprise visit.

It was then that he realised his precious buster sword was rather dirty from being stuck in the ground for ages. He stopped his motorcycle and desperately rubbed at the buster sword with his sleeve, trying to make it shiny again, when his pocket vibrated. Cloud took his phone out. He may as well answer it, it could be Tifa or someone, but if it was that red-head again, he vowed he would scream.

But when he put it to his ear, he heard a multitude of hushed giggles and whispering. "Is your refrigerator running?" asked a giggly voice. Cloud was confused.

"No, I'm in the middle of a desert on a motorbike." More giggling. That annoyed Cloud, he hated giggling. He hung up and checked his messages. What the hell? 143 new messages. From who? He listened to the first one. A strange, unfamiliar voice said, "Hello, this is the bubble factory. And we sell bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles and bubbles…" Cloud gritted his teeth and deleted the message. The next one wasn't much different, "Hello, random person. You've won our hourly random prize of a hundred million dollars. Men in black suits will drop it off at your place soon."

Cloud's hands balled into fists as he thought of smashing his phone. But he knew he couldn't. What if Tifa or someone was in trouble? Then they couldn't call him. Cloud regrettably selected the next message. "Why hello. This is Samantha Wiener Starfish. Would you like to buy a potato?" Cloud's eyes narrowed. "NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO BUY A POTATO!!!" he screamed at the phone. He tried to press the delete button but accidentally selected the next message. He snapped his phone shut and stuck it in his pocket, even though he could still hear it saying, "Why hello, are you the chosen one?" repeated over and over again.

Cloud vented his anger by revving up his motorbike. It got very loud indeed. It got even louder when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He gritted his teeth and picked it up. He flipped it open and shouted into the mouthpiece, "STOP CALLING ME YOU STUPID, IDIOTIC-"

"Cloud?" Cloud froze.

"…Tifa?"

Tifa sighed. "I need you at home."

"Is it an emergency?"

"Well, in a way."

"What's that noise in the background? Are you alright?"

"Just come. You'll find out when you get there."

Half an hour later, Cloud was back in Midgar. He made his way to Tifa's house, half expecting it to be in ruins. But when he got there, it looked completely normal. He knocked on the door. A tired-looking Tifa answered it and ushered him inside. Looking around, he didn't notice anything out of place. Suddenly a door opened and out from the next room popped three heads. One was Marlene's but the other two, Cloud didn't recognise. Marlene raced out the door and hugged Cloud but the other two just stood in the empty doorway, staring. Cloud, who was still talking to Tifa, stopped and looked at them. The first one, who had long curly brown hair, fainted on the spot, falling back into the others arms. Cloud raised an eyebrow at the other one, whose hair was darker and shorter, and she fainted as well, dropping the other girl and falling dramatically onto the floor. The first one awoke, pulled herself up, kicked the other girl and gave Cloud a hyper spaz smile.

"I'm The Evil Emmie-ness!" she said randomly in a voice that sounded somewhat familiar to Cloud. The other one got up and introduced herself as well, "I'm The Evil Millie-ness!" she said. _Damn these scary people and their scary names!_ Cloud thought. Then he remembered where he'd heard her voice before. He pointed at her, "You're the one that rang me, aren't you? And left those messages." The Evil Emmie-ness smiled and corrected him, "It's not THOSE messages, it's those ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY THREE messages. And if you'd known how much time and effort I'd put in to making all those phone calls, maybe you'd care. BUT YOU DON'T!" she sniffed.

"CARE ABOUT WHAT?! YOU PUT ALL THOSE MESSAGES ON MY PHONE I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!" He pulled out his two buster swords and came charging at her. The Evil Emmie-ness squealed and hid under the rug. The Evil Millie-ness jumped on the rug to see what would happen and The Evil Emmie-ness ran out and frantically climbed the stairs, Cloud following close behind. They chased each other round and round the upstairs bedroom until suddenly The Evil Emmie-ness froze and looked at The Evil Millie-ness.

"Millie-chan!" she squeaked, "I forgot to feed The Reno this morning!" The Evil Millie-ness froze too and watched as The Evil Emmie-ness jumped out the window and ran down the street. "Don't forget to put some more dry food in his bowl as well!" she shouted after her. Cloud turned to her. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're keeping Reno in Emmie-chan's closet!" she said happily. Cloud shook his head, sheathed his two buster swords and went back downstairs.

"So this is why you called me?" Cloud asked Tifa.

Tifa nodded, "But they were worse before." Cloud looked confused. He didn't think it could get any worse. "How?" he asked.

"Watch." Tifa said. At that moment, The Evil Millie-ness came downstairs and Marlene turned around. They looked from each other, to the poor helpless adults in their presence and smiled evilly. "But we can't do it without The Evil Emmie-ness!" Marlene exclaimed. But according to the look on The Evil Millie-ness's face, they could.

They went up to Tifa, smiled and said, in sync, "Mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla mla…"

"Shut them up!" whined Cloud as Tifa smiled wryly at him.

"Now you see why I called you."

Tifa looked around, "I wonder where Denzel is." She looked at Cloud.

He shrugged, "I haven't seen him." The Evil Millie-ness stopped mla-ing for a moment. "Yeah, where is that kid anyway?" Suddenly Denzel burst through the front door and hid behind Tifa. A girl entered a few seconds later. She had poofy blonde hair and was looking around expectantly. She saw Cloud and almost fainted, but regained her composure and introduced herself. "I'm The Evil Amashi-ness!" she exclaimed in the exact same hyper spaz voice that the other two girls had used.

But the strange thing about The Evil Amashi-ness was that, perched on top of her head and twitching spastically every now and then, were two white cat's ears. Cloud stared at them as they had another twitching spasm. "Are you some kind of cat-person-thing?" he asked. The Evil Amashi-ness sighed.

"It's a kitsune, goddammit!!" she yelled.

"Ki-what?!" Cloud said confusedly.

"Amashi the Kitsune! And don't you forget it!"

"Now," she said in a more serious tone, "I'm here to inquire about the name of that boy behind Tifa."

Tifa looked from the little boy hiding behind her to the hyper girl, "What, Denzel?"

Suddenly The Evil Amashi-ness erupted into a fit of laughter. "HIS NAME IS DENZEL!!! OMG I'M NEVER GONNA GET OVER THAT!!! WHAT A PATHETIC NAME!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!" Tifa rolled her eyes and told Denzel to ignore her. Cloud had had enough for one day. Saying goodbye, he hurried out the door and breathed a sigh of relief. It was good to be out of the presence of a fangirl. Just then, his pocket started vibrating. Cloud's eye twitched. He pulled the phone out of his pocket, threw it on the ground and started jumping on it, roaring, "SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU STUPID IDIOTIC FANGIRLS LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Until he saw Tifa looking out the window, one eyebrow raised. Cloud stopped jumping and smiled innocently at her. She rolled her eyes back.


	2. Reno's Phone

Chapter Two: Reno's Phone

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But my friend told me about this guy that used to go to her school who looks like Cloud… So sooner or later, I will own him._

Back at the secret fangirl headquarters, The Evil Emmie-ness was feeding The Reno. She hadn't known what to feed him; she'd never kept a pet Reno before. She'd tried cat food, he'd refused that. She'd tried dog food, he'd refused that. But somehow he did manage to eat the fish food she bought, even though he didn't look like a fish, Emmie thought. So with that, some dried hamster pellets and two packets of original flavour sa-ka-tas a day, she kept The Reno alive in her closet.

The Evil Millie-ness was getting annoyed at The Evil Amashi-ness and had decided to come home. She got to the front door when she heard a lot of loud noise upstairs. She climbed the stairs and found The Evil Emmie-ness spread-eagled along the closet door and Rude looking threateningly at her. "Where's Reno?!" he thundered.

"WE DON'T KNOW HONEST WE SWEAR WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!!" The Evil Millie-ness cried, looking at Rude with pathetically innocent eyes. Rude thought for a moment then cried, "Hahaha!! I know, I'll call him and then I'll follow the ringtone!!"

The next bit happened in matrix style slow motion. The Evil Emmie-ness cried, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!", pushed the cupboard door open, dived inside, retrieved Reno's ringing phone and threw it out the window. Reno pushed The Evil Emmie-ness out of the way, burst out of the cupboard, much to Rude's surprise, and dived out the window after his phone. Rude dived after him. Unfortunately for both of them, the next bit happened in fast motion. There was a lot of crashes and shouts and somehow, half an hour later, both Reno and Rude found themselves back in The Evil Emmie-ness's closet.

"So," Rude began, squinting in the darkness until he found the outline of his unfortunate partner, "what do we eat in here?"

"Uhhhh, a container of fish food, some dried hamster pellets and two packets of original sa-ka-tas."

"Is that all?"

"Yep."

"…Cool."

A/N: Sorry, this chapters short.


	3. Mother

Chapter 3: Mother

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But I own Mother… well, A Mother…_

Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo had tried everywhere. In parks and picnics grounds, hospitals and fire stations, public toilets and book stores, furniture warehouses and pet stores. But they couldn't find Mother. They'd even found something that looked like her in the frozen food section of the local supermarket. They'd opened it and all they'd found was fish fingers. So that's when they made the fateful decision to try the only primary school in Midgar, the aptly named, Midgar Primary School.

The first thing they did was order every classroom to go to the courtyard so they could make their 'important announcement'. Loz looked at Yazoo doubtfully, "Do you reckon they'll know who Mother is?"

"Don't cry, Loz." Was all his brother said.

"I think they will." Kadaj put in, "They are supposed to be educated, after all."

But it was not to be.

Once the whole school had gathered, Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo stepped onto one of the benches and addressed the school. It was Kadaj doing the addressing, and he always got straight to the point, so the school was greeted by a firm and fast, "WHERE'S MOTHER?!! HAS ANYONE SEEN MOTHER?!! WHERE ARE YOU HIDING HER?!!" The others tried to calm Kadaj, but couldn't.

Finally, Kadaj stopped. Then a tiny hand rose into the air. "Please, sir, I have a question." The little kid pointed to Yazoo, "Is that person a girl or a boy?" Yazoo's eyes widened and collapsed to the ground, hugging his knees. The kids whispered to one another excitedly, one of them said, "Definitely a girl." This just made Yazoo sob and Loz cry out, "Don't cry Yazoo!!!"

Then a teacher stood up and looked Loz straight in the eye. "You're disrupting the children and putting disturbing thoughts in their heads. I ask you and your sisters to leave and never come back." Kadaj's jaw dropped. _Sister, indeed! I'll show them._ He thought. "Miss, miss! I think the one with the short hair is actually a boy, miss!" Loz smacked his head. Sometimes people could be real idiots.

Yazoo was very surprised when, a moment later, a little boy came up to him with a small card bearing a pink loveheart and said, "Will you be my valentine?" Yazoo looked up, horror sparkling in his strange greenish eyes. He turned around. The courtyard was filled with banners, flowers and strange pink decorations, all bearing lovehearts and flowers. How could he have not noticed it before?! Everywhere around him where huge signs all sporting the words 'Happy Valentine's Day!' Yazoo didn't know what to think. Immediately his mind thought about that dark, mysterious fighter, Vincent Valentine, who Yazoo was secretly extremely frightened of. Maybe this school was actually a The Cult of Vincent Valentine.

"Hello." Said a deep, mysterious voice from behind him. Yazoo jumped about a metre in the air. There was Vincent, right behind him! God that man was freaky. He needed some serious help. Suddenly Yazoo had an idea. He pointed at Vincent. "Look at that guy! He has long hair, he must be a girl!"

Vincent blinked a few times. He was totally and utterly confused at what Yazoo had just said. A little kid stepped forward and… kicked him? Vincent keeled over, trying not to see the kids that were laughing at him. _Of all places to be kicked…_ he thought, struggling to regain his composure.

"See," the kid exclaimed, "I told you he was a guy!" Vincent's cloak bulged and suddenly a random girl jumped out. "I am The Evil Emmie-ness!" she cried, "And whoever kicked Vincent will be AVENGED!!" For once in his life, Vincent was glad he'd let that random girl hide in his cloak. The Evil Emmie-ness turned to him, rubbing her hands together, having just finished dealing with the evil little boy. Then, just for the fun of it, she kicked Yazoo in _exactly the same place_.


	4. Yazoo's Hair

Chapter Four: Yazoo's Hair

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But as of today, I do own my sister's head…_

Yazoo, Loz and Kadaj went back to their house, having finally come to the conclusion that mother was _not_ at the school. Coming to the front door, they saw the neighbours coming home. A little boy got out of the car, crying, and whined at his father, "Daddy! I accidentally gave my valentine to a boy!" Yazoo groaned. He didn't want to be reminded of today's unfortunate events. The three went inside.

Later that night, Yazoo was whining. Again. "I wish people wouldn't mistake me for a girl!" he complained. "I bet it's because of my long hair! I wish I could just shave it all off and be bald." Suddenly there was a crashing sound behind them and they turned around to see, emerging from a cloud of dust… The Evil Amashi-ness!

Yazoo shuddered, thinking about some of The Evil Amashi-ness's previous antics. Kadaj shuddered, thinking about The Evil Amashi-ness's friend, The Evil Satori-ness. Vincent shuddered, thinking about The Evil Amashi-ness's friend, The Evil Emmie-ness.

Kadaj turned around. "Where the hell did you come from?!" he shouted at Vincent. Vincent shrugged mysteriously. Kadaj just got angrier. He pulled out his sword and Vincent pulled out his gun, and together they proceeded to smash the house.

Loz, who was watching them, heard a noise and turned around. Yazoo was standing there, giggling evilly. "What the hell?" Loz exclaimed. The Evil Amashi-ness took off her newly made Yazoo wig and moved so Loz could see the pathetic figure behind her. It was Yazoo. And he was bald. And he was crying. Loz couldn't have been happier.

"Don't cry, Yazoo!" he chuckled, and suddenly The Evil Amashi-ness turned around.

"Don't cry, Loz!" she teased. Then suddenly the room filled up with fangirls.

"DON'T CRY, LOZ!" said all the fangirls in sync, raising handkerchiefs at him. Loz fled the room in horror.

Vincent and Kadaj were still fighting, but stopped and shuddered when the room filled up with fangirls. This gave Vincent time to let The Evil Satori-ness out of his cloak so she could go and glomp Kadaj, rendering him unable to fight due to the fangirl on his back.

Suddenly the fangirls and Vincent were gone, leaving Kadaj and Loz to mock Yazoo for his sudden lack of hair. "She made it into a wig!!" he cried. By the end of the night, he had resolved to wear a paper bag over his head for the rest of his life.


	5. The Evil Nikkieness

Chapter Five: The Evil Nikkie-ness

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But I own 68 final fantasy wallpapers!_

Reno was bored. Rude was asleep and he had finished his sa-ka-tas. He wished he had a texta, then he could write unfortunate things on his captor's clothes. But alas, there was none to be found. Suddenly his phone started ringing. He picked up the battered relic (battered because it was thrown out the window), and said tiredly, "Hello?"

An unfamiliar, annoying voice answered. "This is a phone survey. If you are male, press one, if you are female, press two." Reno pressed one. "You have selected female." The annoying voice proclaimed. "WHAT THE HELL I'M A GUY I'M A GUY!! SEE LOOK I'M PRESSING ONE PRESSING ONE, ONE, ONE!!!"

"Hehehehehe." The voice giggled. "This place is cool, not as cool as Inuyashaland, but still cool!"

The Evil Emmie-ness came into her room and heard Reno shouting. "WHAT THE HELL IS INUYASHALAND?!!" She gasped. Reno was still shouting at his phone when The Evil Emmie-ness dived into the closet and grabbed it from him.

"NIKKIE-CHAN!!" she cried, "YOU'VE COME BACK FROM INUYASHALAND!!"

"Yeah," said a bored voice, "Sesshoumaru tried to eat me and Inuyasha's ears fell off."

The Evil Emmie-ness gasped melodramatically. She loved the word melodramatic; it sounded like marshmallows. "What else did you do in Inuyashaland, Nikkie?"

"I kicked Jaken on behalf of The Evil Amashi-ness."

"Oh, she'll be thrilled!" The Evil Emmie-ness screeched. She turned around and looked at Reno, who was cowering in the corner of the cupboard. "Not another one…" he muttered.

"Ami-chan and I are having lots and lots of fun! And we managed to find a food that The Reno would eat!"

"Lovely."

"Will you come and join us??"

"That sounded slightly disturbing, Emmie-chan. But I guess I can come. Where are you?"

"Just look for the ruined buildings with lots of sad looking little kids outside them."

"I'll be right there."

"Oh, and one more thing," The Evil Emmie-ness said, looking around the inside of the cupboard, "We're stuck in this cupboard."

"WHAT!!??" The Reno exclaimed. He had thought that being stuck in a cupboard was bad enough, but being stuck with everyone else was much worse.

An hour later, Reno found himself in the cupboard with not one fangirl, but two. "Nikkie-chan, how could you be so stupid?! Didn't I tell you the cupboard locks from the _outside_?!" The Evil Nikkie-ness raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh, I guess not then."

"Why do you even have a lock on your cupboard anyway?" her friend asked.

"Well isn't it obvious? Otherwise The Reno might run away!" she cried.

"Why don't you keep him on a leash or something? Then he wouldn't take up any cupboard space and his sa-ka-tas wouldn't dirty your clothes."

The Reno gasped in horror. How could they plot such evil things against him?! Suddenly something rolled under the door of the cupboard. A texta! And a permanent one as well…

Reno drew a forest in The Evil Emmie-ness's cupboard. 'Twas a forest of green with little speckles of light. But it wasn't an ordinary forest; this forest had clothes in it! It was a wardrobe forest, full of the most interesting clothes anyone could ever find. The black, permanent texta coloured trees were weaved in between the black ferns and vines of the forest, and little shafts of light were spun in amongst the canopy, finding their way into the undergrowth. But this forest wasn't just filled with plants, it had animals as well! There was the Evil Emmie-ness bird, whose wails were so loud that they filled the jungle. There was the Evil Nikkie-ness jaguar that proceeded to eat any other animal that disturbed her while she was busy. Then there was the rock named Rude, who constantly slept and whose dark glasses were recently stolen by an anonymous fangirl. And then there was Reno, king of the jungle, with his mane of fiery red hair and evil look as he held the permanent marker ready to shoot anyone crossing his path.

The Evil Emmie-ness squealed melodramatically (that marshmallow word again) and pointed at Reno's wardrobe forest. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CUPBOARD!!???" Then she fainted. The Reno laughed maniacally. He had claimed his first victim. Well, that was until The Evil Nikkie-ness hit him on the head and he fell unconscious on the ground. "Oops, I messed his hair. Emmie's gonna kill me!"


	6. Reno's Escape

Chapter Six: Reno's Escape

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But I own the exact collar and leash I used for Reno!_

The next day, the Evil Millie-ness arrived. Many a question was asked about why she hadn't come back the day before, but was answered when they noticed the large object at her belt, which caused her to walk awkwardly, and the infuriated man who followed her inside, glaring at her. "GIVE ME BACK MY BUSTER SWORD!!" Cloud yelled. "NO! It's the coolest sword ever and it's MIIINNNNEEE!!!!" she whined. Then she forgot everything she was talking about and looked around.

"Where are Emmie-chan and the others?"

When she went upstairs, the answer was immediately obvious due to the constant shouting and crashing sounds coming from the cupboard. The Evil Millie-ness opened the door and four people came tumbling out. The responses to this sudden freedom were somewhat disturbing. "I'M FREEEEEEEEE!!!" The Reno shouted jumping out the window and running down the street. Rude stared at him confusedly. The Evil Emmie-ness hugged The Evil Millie-ness and The Evil Nikkie-ness stared at Cloud. "Who are you?" The Evil Emmie-ness gaped and The Evil Millie-ness's mouth dropped to the floor and smashed into tiny pieces.

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHO CLOUD STRIFE IS???!!!!" The Evil Emmie-ness and The Evil Millie-ness shouted in sync, Millie with difficulty as the other half of her mouth was still on the floor. "I thought you saw Final Fantasy, Nikkie." Emmie said.

"I saw it alright, but that doesn't mean I took it in." Nikkie muttered. "I thought it wasn't all that interesting, really." Millie gaped even more; in fact, she gaped so much that she fell to the ground and smashed into little pieces. "Poor Millie." Nikkie and Emmie said together. Then Emmie said happily, "Oh well, what's done is redone and it can never be done." Nikkie looked at her confusedly. "I think you got your proverbs mixed up, Emmie."

Suddenly there was a collective gasp. "The Reno…" the collective crowd gasped, "He's gone…" Emmie moaned and fell on a softer part of the ground so she didn't smash. "But oh well, Nikkie messed up his hair so I got over him after that." Suddenly everyone stared at Rude. "You don't have your glasses on. You look different." Nikkie commented. Rude immediately went and hid in the corner. "I wonder who took them." Everyone wondered.

Nearby, yet another evil fangirl was at work. She was in a tree. She was wearing dark glasses. And she was with Loz. Well, Loz didn't really want to be there, but he was dragged there by the anonymous fangirl. Yes, the same anonymous fangirl that stole Rude's glasses. The Evil Kinley-ness laughed evilly. Loz gulped. "Let's have a picnic!" she proclaimed. Loz smacked his head. _Not another one!_

"But… but, but…" Loz stammered.

"No buts. Well, maybe some butts…" she said, fluttering her eyelashes at Loz. He turned bright red.

"Nah, stuff the picnic." Kinley said, "Let's go to a restaurant!" Loz groaned.


	7. Well, Reno THOUGHT he'd escaped anyway

Chapter Seven: Well, Reno THOUGHT he'd escaped anyway…

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But my friend still owns her Yazoo wig. She wears it regularly and it freaks me out…_

Meanwhile, Reno was having a hard time. Ever since he'd escaped from that cupboard, he'd been trying his hardest to put distance between him and that evil fangirl. Right now he was making his way along a deserted highway. He'd been walking for three days straight, not stopping for rests or breaks, or even to sleep. As a result, his hair wasn't spiky anymore; it just flopped on his head like someone had put a coarse red blanket over it. The Evil Emmie-ness would kill him if she saw, but it was _Reno_ who was in charge of Reno's hair now!

Suddenly, The Reno heard a sound behind him. He turned around in horror, but the road was empty. He kept walking. He stopped. He could definitely hear something now. It was still far off, but it seemed to be getting louder and louder. It sounded sort of like rumbling, like an aeroplane or a convoy of vehicles coming. The Reno was puzzled. Then he saw it in the distance, a great cloud of dust. And the disturbing thing was, it was coming straight for him, very, very fast.

"RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

The Evil Emmie-ness cried. The next bit happened in slow motion (it's funny how the slow motion only happens in scenes including Reno). Reno turned around and started running for his life, tripped over a well-placed rock and fell flat on his face. The Evil Emmie-ness landed on top of him a second later, having executed a full scale dive-glomp.

The first thing she did was spike up his hair. She combed his long pony tail with her fingers and pulled him to his feet before wrapping a spiked collar around his neck and attaching it to a lead. "Yay!" she cried. "I found the Reno again!" she said happily, skipping and dragging her hostage behind her.

Meanwhile, the Evil Kinley-ness was trying to convince Loz that he shouldn't order the most expensive thing on the restaurant's menu. The author of this fanfic laughed evilly, she couldn't wait to see Kinley and Loz's faces when the rest of the characters in this story turned up at the restaurant as well. You see, being an evil author had its benefits, and the author had managed to simultaneously put the same thought in every character's head, "Why don't we go to a restaurant!"

Loz, who had ordered a coffee, was looking at the selection of straws. They were those straws that come wrapped in paper, usually with a logo on the front of them. As Loz picked up a Final Fantasy logo-ed straw, he noted the words 'this straw is not recommended for hot drinks'. Puzzled, Loz picked up the next straw and was annoyed to see that it said exactly the same thing. "Hmm…" he hmmed, "This straw is not recommended for hot drinks. I wonder if this one is then…" A few minutes later, he had gone through the entire box of straws and was infuriated to find that _none of them_ were recommended for hot drinks. Angrily, he headed towards the counter to inquire about this lack of suitable straws. Suddenly there was a cry from the back of the restaurant, "Loz!" It was Kinley. Loz gulped. "Loz, your brothers are here!"

Loz looked around to find them, but found that not only had his brothers arrived, but all the evil fangirls as well! He couldn't find Yazoo or Kadaj in the throng of people. He shivered. He had a thought; he could call them on his phone to find out where they were! He reached into his pocket and his hand came out empty. He frantically searched every pocket on his clothes, only to find that his phone had mysteriously gone missing.

The Evil Satori-ness was in front of him in a second. "Looking for this?" she asked, holding up his phone. "We stole it from you last night. You see, we needed it for the purpose of contacting Cloud so we could annoy him and Reno's phone ran out of credit yesterday so…" Loz didn't want to hear any more. He was so angry and sad and helpless, what with all these fangirls around. He sobbed his way over to where his brothers were and announced, "Kadaj, Yazoo, I can't take it any more!"


	8. Sephiroth

Chapter Eight: Sephiroth

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. Nor do I own the eBay song. But I have a copy of the lyrics in my cupboard. Reno can sing it really well now…_

"Kadaj, Yazoo, I can't take it any more!" Loz cried.

"You're not gonna commit suicide are you??!!" Kadaj exclaimed.

"Hell no. I was going to release Sephiroth, that's all."

So, in the middle of a crowded restaurant, with tons of fangirls and just plain, ordinary people, Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo released Sephiroth. "Hey!" Reno interrupted. "I thought you had to have Jenova to release Sephiroth!"

"Well, that's what we thought too, but before we knew it, Kadaj had long hair and a cool sword." Loz explained. Reno nodded and walked away. Sephiroth grinned evilly and started blowing things up. Kinley followed suit and, with a few grenades and a hand bomb, starting blowing up small animals including Nanaki, who had somehow shrunk in the wash.

The Evil Millie-ness was rapt. No one could deter her from her trance. She gazed up at Sephiroth's sword as if it were Jesus. The Evil Emmie-ness relayed her thoughts to Sephie (as the fangirls had started calling him). "Sephie?" The Evil Emmie-ness asked. Sephiroth's eyes flashed, "Don't call me that, goddammit!!"

"Sephie, I like your sword. Where did you get it?" Sephiroth was so vain that he forgot all about the hideous nickname at the start of her sentence and proceeded to gloat, "I bought it on eBay."

Suddenly the fangirls formed an army. It was a large one too, and it struck fear into many of the hearts of the final fantasy characters. As the crowd watched in amazement, the fangirls broke into song.

"A used… Pink bathrobe!"

"A rare… Mint snowglobe!"

"A smurf… TV tray!"  
"What I bought on eBay!"

Sephiroth's eyes widened. He HATED that song! Other characters covered their ears as well. "Make it STOOPPPP!!!!" cried Cloud.

Meanwhile, Sephie was arguing with them, which was very hard whilst they were singing.

"Tell me why, I need another pet rock!" the fangirls sung.

"WHAT THE HELL IS A PET ROCK?!!" Sephie roared.

"Gonna buy, a slightly damaged golf bag!"

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU BUY THAT?!!"

"Gonna buy, some beanie babies, new with tag!"

"BEANIE WHATS??!!"

"Don't know why, that kind of stuff you'd throw away!"

"I'LL THROW YOU AWAY!!!"

"I bought it on eBay!!"

And, as the song drew to a close, so did Sephiroth's short and rather eventful life. Of all ways a great villain could die, this would have been one of the worst ways. Sephiroth melted into the floor of the crowded restaurant, the eBay song still ringing in his ears. The members of Avalanche looked on angrily. "I WANTED TO KILL HIM SO BAAADDDD!!!!" Cloud wailed. Yuffie's eye twitched. "You ruined all our fun!!" she cried. "And YOU!" she shouted, pointing to Kinley. Kinley looked up from sticking dynamite into Cait Sith's mouth and smiled sweetly at Yuffie.

"YOU USED MY MATERIA TO BLOW UP SMALL ANIMALS!!!" Yuffie shouted. Kinley smiled. "And your ninja star, and your ninja headband while you weren't looking. And Cid's airship-aeroplane thingy." Cid wailed and ran out of the building.

("YOU EVIL THINGS !!!!!!!! STOP CALLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Cloud and smashed his new phone into the ground. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING CLOUD SRIFE!?!? Yelled his mother. DAN DAN DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

A/N: Sorry, my sister sabotaged by computer, hence that last paragraph. She also sabotaged Reno's laptop so that every time he presses the letter 'I' the words DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNNNNNN fill the screen. So I'd like you to know that I didn't actually write the last paragraph. Thankyou. Now I'll continue writing.

Suddenly a wolf jumped into the restaurant. It pounced on Cloud and started to sabotage him. "GET THE HELL OFF MEEE!!!" he cried. Emmie and the rest of the fangirls recognised the wolf as the Zack-Wolf thing. But they couldn't work out why the Zack-Wolf thing would be attacking Cloud, until they saw the sword at his belt. "Cloud, I thought Millie stole your sword." Emmie said. Cloud turned around,

"She did!" he said angrily.

"Then how come you've got a sword?" Emmie asked. Suddenly she had flashbacks and remembered the buster sword cliff. "Oh. You stole Zack's sword." She said, annoyingly stating the obvious, like most animes do. Suddenly the doors of the restaurant were flung open and who should march in, but Cloud's ex-girlfriend. (At this point, Zack read Cloud's thoughts and shouted out, "THAT'S RIGHT!! _EX_-GIRLFRIEND THANKYOU VERY MUCH!!")

Aeris, spectacularly mastering the double-door entrance, was bathed in a halo of heavenly light until she looked up at the sky, said, "QUIT IT!" and the light flickered and went out. She marched up to where Cloud was standing and proceeded to throw flowers at him for no particular reason, until the Zack-Wolf morphed into the actual Zack and stared at her along with the rest of the restaurant.

"Aeris, what the hell are you doing here?" Zack asked her, one eyebrow raised.

"Well, heaven was so boring! I was waiting for Sephiroth to come back so I could annoy him, but he didn't so I came to find you." she explained. She noticed that Cloud was sitting in the corner looking rejected and lonely. Aeris stared at him.

"OH CHEER UP, YOU EMO KID!!" she shouted at him and Cloud stared at her.

"But… but…"

"BUT WHAT!! Look, I thought we went over this already; I forgive you, you came and that's all that mattered, SO WILL YOU JUST GET OVER IT!!"

Cloud blinked and stood up. "You… You weren't throwing flowers at me because you were angry?" he said slowly.

"No, I had a random urge to throw flowers, that's all." She sighed. "I have to go now. Come, Zack!"

"No! I want to stay!" Zack pined and Aeris frowned at him. She grabbed his hand and started floating up to heaven. "NO!" Zack cried. "GIVE ME BACK MY BUSTER SWORD!!" he shouted at Cloud, who laughed evilly and stroked his precious weapon. "I'LL GET YOU SOME DAY!! I'LL GET YOU ALL!!" he shouted and was immediately drowned out by Aeris' random commentary. "THANKYOU, THANKYOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! NO AUTOGRAPHS PLEASE!! I'M HERE TILL THURSDAY!! THANKYOU!!" And with that she dragged Zack and disappeared up into the clouds. "Haha, clouds." The author laughed, thinking of Cloud.

"THE FREAKY SPIRIT LADY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!!" The Evil Ayama-ness screamed. "AAYYAAMMMAAA!!!!" The Evil Amashi-ness cried, running towards her friend. "What took you so long?"

"I missed my flight. The next one was in four days time… Looks like there's a fight going on here. What happened?"

"Well, Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo released Sephiroth, but us fangirls killed him with our eBay song tactic ("I knew that tactic would work." Ayama muttered darkly) and now the Avalanche people are annoyed at us cos _they_ wanted to kill Sephiroth. So we're trying to kill each other at the moment."

"Cool. Can I join in?"

"Feel free!"

And so The Evil Ayama-ness launched an attack, pulling her imaginary sword out of her imaginary sheath and charging at any random who got in her way. Suddenly something dropped from the heavens. Ayama cringed and stepped back from the evil object. A banana. Then she proceeded to sabotage it, ripping the skin off it and generally making a mess.

(A/N: For any Banana Conservationists, I would like you to know that no bananas were harmed in the making of this fanfic. We would also like to assure you that we use Free Range Bananas, not Cage Bananas, for any Banana Freedom Fighters out there.)

Then Emmie picked up the banana and threw it at Cloud who blocked it and now has an extremely sticky, gross sword. Cloud moaned, he really wanted Zack's sword to stay clean. Hearing Cloud's thoughts, the heavenly Zack moaned too and almost fell out of heaven with dismay. Luckily, he caught his balance, otherwise the people in South Africa would be quite surprised with their new arrival, not to mention those lighting guys up in heaven.

A/N: Sorry, that was SO random.


	9. Evil Reno

Chapter Nine: Evil Reno

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. And as of today, nor do I own my hair. One of my friend's sisters has claimed and says she'll come steal it on a dark and stormy night…_

Suddenly there was a rumbling sound, much like the rumbling that Reno heard before The Evil Emmie-ness found him again. Heads turned, ears swivelled, children screeched. And then, the Reno came forth, bursting out of the cupboard propelled by an explosion that sent him all the way out of Emmie's window, through the streets and into the restaurant. "MWAHAHAHAHAA!!" he laughed. "I AM THE EVIL RENO-NESS!!"

Emmie was puzzled. "But you can't be a fangirl, Reno, you're a boy!" There were a few whispers of amazement at this sudden revelation including someone saying, "But I thought he was girl!" The Evil Emmie-ness grabbed Reno's leash and proceeded to drag him back to her house. But The Reno tore the leash off with his bare hands and kicked Emmie in the stomach so that she flew all the way to Mexico. Luckily, she landed in a Mexico City Airport queue for Midgar, so she arrived back a few minutes later. But alas, she should not have come back, for the Evil Reno-ness was destroying everything in sight.

"Quickly!" The Evil Kinley-ness cried. "We must dig holes in the ground to hide in!" And she proceeded to dig a hole while everyone else stared at her in confusion. Suddenly a strange, brown haired kid appeared. The fangirls gasped in horror. Cloud and the others didn't think there could be anything the fangirls were so afraid of, but they were wrong. The Evil Shannon-ness giggled as only an evil giggly eleven-year-old could. "Where's Millie?" she whined.

"She smashed into pieces on my bedroom floor." Emmie answered. The little girl blinked and started fake crying. Emmie frowned in annoyance. Suddenly the girl stopped crying and looked at Emmie strangely. "I have something to tell you, Emmie… I AM YOUR FATHER!!"

The Evil Emmie-ness was not amused. "How can you be my father when you're already my sister." Suddenly the crowd gasped. So this was why this girl scared the fangirls so much, she was a LITTLE SISTER!! "Nah, just kidding." She giggled. Emmie raised an eyebrow, "Oh I would never have guessed. So why are you here anyway?"

"Cos if you don't hurry you'll miss your plane back to Fangirl-land and you'll be stuck here with The Evil Reno for the rest of your life. The plane leaves in seven seconds." The fangirls gasped and ran out of the vicinity, leaving massive amounts of dust clouds.

Unfortunately for Reno, he was asthmatic, so the dust clouds caused by the speeding fangirls made him have an asthma attack. And once the dust had cleared, everyone was all gone and Reno was left alone. "Ohhh." Said Reno. He had never felt so alone.


	10. Going Home

Chapter Ten: Going Home

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. But I do own the aeroplane on which most of this chapter is set, it's the reason Reno was propelled all the way to the restaurant that day…_

When the fangirls reached the airport, they found their plane was already leaving. So it was lucky for them that they were all long jump champions. They used their secret long jump powers and grabbed onto the wheels of the plane, climbed up onto the wings and walked along the side of the plane until they found an open window (which shouldn't have been open unless the owner of the window wanted to die). Settling themselves in their seats and ignoring strange glances from the air hostess, the fangirls began to talk about their stay in final fantasy land. "I liked making all those prank calls to Cloud. I swear I'm going to change my name to Samantha Wiener Starfish one day." Exclaimed Emmie.

"Well, I liked calling Reno in your closet. Hehehe, you should have heard him shout when I told him he'd chosen female…" Nikkie said.

"Well I thought Reno was annoying!" whined Emmie, "You should have seen what he wrote on my clothes with that permanent texta!"

"So that's why you're wearing a towel." The other fangirls exclaimed.

Emmie crossed her arms over her chest, either to look angry or because her towel was slipping down, we shall never know. She kicked her luggage under the seat because it was squirming. She picked up her suitcase and opened it a little bit, then whispered into it, "You got enough air in there?" The person in front of her turned around and gave her a bizarre look. Her suitcase rocked. "One rock for yes, two for no." she explained. Her suitcase rocked once. "Phew." She sighed. He still had enough air.


	11. The Life Stream Works in Mysterious Ways

Chapter Eleven: The Life Stream Works in Mysterious Ways

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. Nor do I own the life stream. But there's a bottomless pit behind my CD player and a few of my CDs fell in last year…_

A few days later, The Evil Emmie-ness was at home, trying to make The Cloud as comfortable as possible in her cupboard. "Look Cloud!" she cried, "I made a movie of you on my computer!" The movie was just a bunch of Final Fantasy trailers put to creepy music, but anything could excite The Evil Emmie-ness.

Cloud looked at the movie strangely. It didn't look like him, and what was he doing putting Aeris in the life stream like that? He voiced his thoughts to Emmie. "But that's the way you did it, didn't you?" she said. Cloud shook his head.

"No way! That life stream's far too dangerous to do anything like that!" he shivered. "I knew a story of an old man who turned on the tap in his bathroom and the life stream came out instead of water. But he didn't know it was water and when he put his hands in to wash them, he was sucked in and no one ever knew what happened to him!!"

"Then where'd the story come from?" Emmie asked.

Cloud blinked a few times, "I… don't know…"

"So then how'd you put her in the life stream then?"

"Oh, Aeris? We used a helicopter. We hovered above that lake thingy then pushed her out the window." Cloud did a little impersonation of the scene, "INCOMING!! Whooooooooooooooooo (this is supposed to sound like something falling), SPLASH!!"

"Geeze," Emmie said moodily, "And I thought you loved her."

"I did!" Cloud whined.

Meanwhile, back in Final Fantasy land, Reno was bored. Everyone had left when the fangirls had left and there was nothing to do. Suddenly, he knew. Everyone had known how Cloud had put Aeris in the life stream. Reno never knew how he'd done it without getting sucked away, so he decided to try for himself.

But before he did that, he wanted to try out something he'd been meaning to do for a looonnnggg time. So, a few hours later, Reno was at the Forgotten City with one newly made Aeris doll, a pair of jeans, a sports shoe, a squealing guinea pig and a rubber duckie. Taking his jeans, shoe, guinea pig and rubber duckie, he stood on the shore of the life stream lake-thing and threw the items in. They sunk immediately. Reno laughed evilly, thinking of the damage he had already caused. Alas, this was true, as a few seconds later, a baby was born with a rubber duckie sticking out of its head.

A few minutes later, Reno was IN the life stream, holding his newly made Aeris doll in the water and pretending to be Cloud. "Hehehe, this is fun!" he said while lowering the Aeris doll into the water. Once the doll was fully submerged, Reno made his way back to shore. Unfortunately, he tripped on a rock and fell into the life stream. "HELP… ME… I'M… DROWNING!!!" Reno exclaimed. Those were to be his last words.

The life stream, to many, a symbol of peace and hope, had claimed yet another victim. It laughed in a way that only an evil life stream could. "BRUHAHAHAHAA!!"

And yes, it had stolen its evil life stream laugh from The Evil Amashi-ness.

And just for the info, a few seconds later, a child was born to forever be known as "The Guinea Pig Man.", upholder of justice throughout Midgar, until someone stepped on his tail and he had a little 'Guinea Pig Heart Attack' and died squealing like an infant.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed! By the way, my friend, Hikaru the Black Kitsune, helped me with the last paragraph. CYBER SA-KA-TAS FOR HIKARU!!

A/N: The names in this story aren't the actual names of my friends; I replaced them with random names.


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